in my arms
by AtLoLevad
Summary: Frank and Karen have a late night moment with each other and their infant daughter.


Before becoming a mom, Karen hadn't been a very heavy sleeper. As a child she could never sleep in or tune out the sounds of her parents yelling, no matter how hard she tried. As an adult she regularly woke up a handful of times during the night, depending on how loud her neighbors were being and how thin the walls were in her current apartment. Most people eventually got used to the ambient noise of New York City and fell asleep to the sounds of garbage trucks and sirens rattling past. But Karen never really did get used to the noise, so she never really got to the deepest REM stage of sleep.

After having Matilda though...Karen's ears were finely tuned to even the most minute of noises. She rarely slept for long periods of time anymore - between the feedings every two hours and the random little snuffling noises Mattie made in her sleep, Karen was lucky to sleep for more than thirty minutes at a time.

She was curled on her side, one hand tucked under her cheek when she startled awake, a soft, unfamiliar noise rousing her.

"What - ?" she mumbled, sitting up and looking around. There was the noise again. A footstep.

"Shit," she mouthed, eyes wide with panic. Swinging her legs out from under the sheets, Karen debated for a quick thirty seconds before darting to her closet and punching in the code on her gun safe. The weapon was cold and heavy in her hand, but she wasn't playing games with her two-month-old infant in the house.

She crept down the hallway towards the nursery, heart pounding in her chest. The gun was pointing towards the ground, safety still on - Karen didn't want to use it around Mattie unless absolutely necessary.

The apartment was relatively small, so she was at the nursery in a handful of steps, able to poke her head around the doorframe quietly.

The gun almost fell out of her hand when she recognized the figure standing over the cradle.

" _Fuck_ , Frank," she growled, entire body sagging in relief. She slumped against the wall, adrenaline still making her edgy.

Frank turned, looking a little sheepish. "Sorry, Karen." He caught sight of the gun in her hand. "Were you gonna shoot me?"

"I might've!" she snapped, terrified. "You have a goddamn key, Frank. This is your home too, why are you sneaking around?"

Frank opened his mouth to respond, but Karen cut him off. "You know, let me put this away," she weakly lifted the gun, "I don't like having it out near Mattie. Stay here."

"Wasn't plannin' on leavin'," Frank replied, already leaning over the crib's railing and looking down at Mattie. Karen bit her lip against the sudden rush of love for the two people in front of her and hurried down the hallway before she could start crying – damn hormones. She locked the gun away and heading back for the nursery, scraping her messy hair back into a semi-decent ponytail.

Frank had been gone a week and a half and of course the first time he was back she looked as tired as she felt.

"How about we start this again?" she sighed, leaning against the doorframe. As much as she missed him, she needed to keep her distance – for her own sake.

"Sorry about the scare," Frank apologized again, sincere. "Didn't feel like going to Curt's place until the morning."

"This place is always your place, Frank," Karen sighed. "I just would've appreciated not being scared out of my mind at -" she paused, "What time is it?"

Frank winced, "Two fifteen."

"Oh," Karen breathed. "I would've been up in another twenty minutes with the baby anyway."

They were quiet for a few moments, always a little edgy around each other when Frank came home. Karen always just wanted to run into his arms and never let him go again, but she never knew what his mindset was when he came back. He looked okay tonight - no new bruises or cuts, his beard was a little long, but she didn't mind that.

"Nice pajamas," Frank said, corners of his eyes crinkling up in a little smile.

Karen looked down at herself and blushed a little. She was in one of Frank's t-shirts and a pair of boxer shorts with skull and cross bones printed on them - an ironic gift from Sarah Lieberman.

"Sarah said the shorts reminded her of you," Karen laughed a little. "And the shirt smelled like you when you left it behind. Now it's covered in milk and baby spit up."

She didn't say that the boxers and his shirt made her feel less lonely, more connected to him.

"It's a good look," he said, dead serious. He licked his lower lip and Karen flushed under his intense gaze.

"I'm glad you're home," she murmured, stepping further into the room. She wanted to touch him, wanted his heavy weight on top of her.

Mattie let out a sleepy squeal, effectively breaking the mood. Karen laughed at the awed expression on Frank's face. She wasn't even insulted when he turned his back on her and immediately looked at the baby. His hand was in the crib, resting gently on the baby's stomach.

"Hi there, little miss," Frank whispered softly. "I missed ya real bad."

If his voice sounded a little choked up, they both ignored it.

Karen walked over to the crib and rested her forearms on the railing on the opposite side. She watched Frank's expression of wonder as he rubbed Mattie's stomach. She gurgled and offered up gummy smiles that were probably gas - but Frank grinned up at Karen and said, "Look at those beautiful grins for her old man," and she didn't want to tell him otherwise.

"We missed you too," she said quietly. She hesitated, "you...you wouldn't consider just being Pete Castiglione, would you?"

It was so early and she'd had this conversation with him before and he'd tried, he'd tried so hard to be Pete. But. Sometimes, she just couldn't help herself.

Frank's back stiffened. His hand never stopped rubbing little circles on Mattie's belly, but Karen could tell he was tense. His tone was clipped, trying for forced lightness, when he finally spoke. "That's not me, Karen. You know that. I'm real sorry I can't be the guy you want me to be."

"You're exactly who I want you to be, Frank," Karen hissed. This argument was old, old, old and she hated that it kept getting rehashed. "You know that's not what I mean. I don't want to keep fighting about this."

Frank's back sagged and he scrubbed his free hand over his face. "I know, I know. It's not always gonna be like this."

"Can we just enjoy the night? Be a family?" Karen asked, feeling tears come to her eyes. It was always the best when Frank was with her for extended periods of time.

She knew it was hard for him – to be a family again, to have that memory of Maria and the kids and all the time he missed with them when he was overseas. They'd discussed it in roundabout terms. Karen was always cognizant of that history. She didn't want to repeat even older arguments, arguments he'd had with a woman who was now a ghost.

"Yeah," Frank looked up at her with a little smile. "Think I could do the feeding tonight?"

"I think she'd like that," Karen laughed. "She always eats better for you."

Frank carefully lifted Mattie into his arms, cradling her against his chest. "She got so big."

"Twelve pounds now," Karen said proudly, "as of her check-up yesterday."

"Forgot how tiny they can be," he said a little distantly. Karen knew he was thinking about Lisa and Frank Jr. The look on his face was wistful - not tortured - and Karen was just glad he could think about his kids without suffering too much.

Mattie stretched in his arms and Frank grinned.

"I'm gonna go heat up a bottle before she freaks," Karen said. "Coming with me or staying here?"

In lieu of a response, Frank followed her out into the kitchen. Karen busied herself with heating a bottle of refrigerated breast milk. She'd pump more later to replace the fridge's supply. Frank swayed gently in the middle of the kitchen, humming to the baby.

Mattie gazed up at Frank with big blue eyes - when she had been born Frank had said that he hoped they stayed that blue. It looked like he would get his wish.

"She gave me a frown the other day that scared me - she looked exactly like you," Karen commented, handing over the warmed up bottle.

Frank snorted. "You ever seen yourself when you're angry? Ain't a pretty sight, ma'am."

Karen gaped at him, mouth open a little. Frank laughed at her expression and held the bottle for Mattie to eat.

"Coming home after a week and a half and he insults me," Karen mumbled to herself, laughing a little bit. Frank smirked up at her and then returned his attention to the baby. He couldn't keep his eyes off of her.

"My kids..." he trailed off, "best thing I ever did." He looked up at Karen, eyes a little glassy. "I wish to God I got a chance to see Lisa and Frankie grow up, I'm sure as hell not gonna screw this chance up, Karen."

"I know," Karen whispered, tearing up a little. Damn hormones. "She already loves you so much."

They sat quietly, watching Mattie drink her bottle. She was a fast eater, so the milk was gone quickly. Frank burped her and then just sat with Mattie draped on his shoulder.

Karen yawned, her cheek resting in the palm of her hand. "Come on, let's go to bed."

"I don't wanna put her down," Frank admitted.

"Bring her with us," Karen shrugged. "She can sleep on your chest. You two can get to know each other."

Frank's eyes lit up at the thought. He stood slowly, trying not to jostle the baby too much. "Frankie used to sleep on me all the time. Kid could sleep almost anywhere, now I think about it."

Karen laughed. "Reminds me of someone I know. I've seen you sleep in some pretty weird places yourself," she teased. She pulled back the covers on Frank's side of the bed and gently took Mattie so Frank could lie down. He took the baby back and rested her right over his heart, one hand covering her entire back.

"Man and a baby," Karen mused, "definitely a turn on."

"Get outta here," Frank laughed.

"Never," she climbed into bed, curling up on her side against him. Frank lifted his arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, pulling Karen close. She rested her cheek against his chest and lifted her hand to rest over his - their fingers interlocked on top of Mattie's back.

 _I love you_ , Karen thought in the quiet. But she doesn't say it out loud. She can't. Despite the baby, despite their obvious ties to each other, Frank doesn't like either of them to vocalize the depth of their feelings for each other. Instead he displays it through his actions - like right now. He carefully hummed the same tune as before and Karen felt his hand stroking her hair.

Before she knew it, she was warm and fast asleep.

* * *

Karen woke up for good the next morning around 8:15. She was face down and spread eagle on the mattress.

"Nghhh," she groaned into her pillow. Her breasts were sore and overly full and she felt like a mess after the last two feedings. Sitting up slowly, Karen yawned and pushed her hair off of her face, rubbing at her eyes tiredly.

The sudden scent of coffee hit her nose and Karen grinned. With newfound energy, she darted out of bed and into the kitchen.

"Hi," she breathed, stopping a little short at the sight of Frank cooking away at the stove.

He turned and raised an eyebrow, "Mornin', ma'am. Coffee?"

"Yeah," Karen nodded, "I need it so badly. Is Matt still asleep?"

"Mhm," Frank replied, sliding fried eggs onto a plate. "Droolin' and everything. It's real cute."

Karen moved to take the plate of eggs from him and put them on the table. Once the plate was out of her hands, she turned and cupped Frank's face in her hands and kissed him soundly. Frank's hands came around her waist, thumbs sliding under the hem of her shirt and rubbing against her bare skin. She leaned into him and looped her arms around his neck. After they broke apart, Karen rested her forehead against his.

"Didn't get to do that last night," Karen whispered, smiling to herself.

Frank kissed her again instead of responding. Karen laughed into his mouth, loving the feel of his hands on her body.

"Was thinkin'," Frank said slowly, once they were sitting at the table and digging into the eggs, bacon, and coffee.

"Always dangerous," Karen quipped, laughing as Frank lunged at her to tickle her side a little.

"Now that you're done bein' rude," Frank said with mock exasperation, "I was thinkin' that since it's nice out we might take Mattie for a walk. Let her get a good view of the neighborhood."

"I think that's a great idea," Karen said casually, sipping at her coffee. "I'll be nice to get some fresh air."

Frank looked pleased with himself that he had suggested a winning idea. He rested his hand on Karen's thigh as they finished breakfast and even grabbed Mattie when she started to cry.

Karen took the baby and tugged the neck of the shirt down so Mattie could eat. Frank watched, unable to tear his eyes away from the sight of his daughter eating.

"Like what ya see?" Karen laughed - teasing, but not. The way her body had changed after having Mattie sometimes made her insecure. The fact that she and Frank hadn't had sex in months also ate at her.

"Yeah," he breathed, voice lower and rougher than before. "I always do, Karen."

She blushed and looked down at Mattie, suddenly unable to look him in the eye. She stroked her finger over Mattie's soft little cheek.

"I gained a lot of weight while I was pregnant," she said off-handedly, looking for complements, but not.

"That don't matter to me, ma'am," Frank said. "Hell, if you weren't holding little miss right now, I'd fuck you on the counter."

"Oh," Karen squeaked. Frank laughed at her reaction and leaned over to kiss her temple.

"Maybe after our walk," he growled lowly into her ear.

A spike of arousal shot through Karen's stomach and she nodded. "Definitely after the walk," she said hotly. "I _miss_ you," her gaze drifted down his body and she bit her lip.

Frank cupped the back of her head and kissed her gently. "If little miss can cooperate long enough, I'll fuck you until you don't remember your name."

Karen's eyes went wide as Mattie unlatched from her breast, apparently done eating. Frank took the baby and held her to his shoulder.

"Go on, ma'am. Get dressed and we'll go for a walk," he said casually, patting Mattie's back and swaying a little in place.

"You're a tease, Frank Castle," Karen frowned, but her eyes were twinkling. "A sexual tease!"

"The worst kind," Frank said drily, smirking at her and returning his attention to the baby.

* * *

 _A/N: I wrote this a while ago, but saved it up because with school and work I don't get the chance to do a lot of writing during the semester. This is also basically the second Kastle fic I ever wrote, so chracterization may be wonky - seriously, I'd love some *constructive* criticism!_

 _Kastle with kids is always going to be something that I like exploring, just for the huge angst possibilities. But other than this one, I have one more Kastle with kids fic partially written and then I think I'll be taking a little break from them, unless of course I have an idea that I absolutely love lol._

 _Drop me a review and let me know what you think! I'm always around here and tumblr (thewintersoldierdisaster) to chat :)_


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